Music For Television by Tom Grose

Who doesn't remember Glixtaq's hilarious pre-splashdown nursing?

2) The Tiniest Galaxan - The theme music for the beloved half-hour comedy series, centering on the antics of the sniveling, cowardly pre-teen Jimmy and his protective friend from the cosmos, who eliminated nickels after ingesting liquid metal of any sort, enabling our young hero to buy protection from his school's bullies by paying off the Gray-Y football team. (A critically-lauded show highlight was the gangfight at the Vespers Service in episode #12.) Ahead of its time.

3) Do The Thurble - Philadelphia was at the forefront of the burgeoning rock 'n' roll scene in the very early 1960s, and the locally-produced "Marty Gold's Teenage Dance Party" set the standard for its later imitators. A highlight of every episode showcased the show's disc jockey, Thurble McManus, emerging from the glass booth housing his beloved Ajax record player and dancing to the 5th-rated record of the week (The Thurble morphed into several variants as it swept the nation, but the original dance involved slipping on a real banana peel then gyrating with the arms to achieve balance). Unfortunately, "Teenage Dance Party" was later forced from the air due to several class-action lawsuits.

4) Furious Antennae - This informative weekly show about insects aired every Friday at midnight and was a big hit with the college crowd from 1975-78, who routinely broke with their studies, chaperoned parlor dates and ice-cream socials for an hour to enjoy footage of ants, bees, mosquitos and gnats devouring each other.

5) Diseased - This joke-fest starred Slappy Berman as Dr. Andrew Spelman, the Christian Scientist Director Of Internal Medicine at Hilbride Hospital, whose hilarious bedside manner ("No aspirin for you, Grandpa!") raised the spirits of young and old alike. The "Malaria" episode won four major Lammy awards, including "Best Comedy Writing By A Lutheran."

6) Breed - More PBN fare, this time emphasizing microscopic footage of the seed of various animal species swimming toward paydirt. This show was so popular with its estimated 200-plus viewers that the pre-emption of an episode in September 1969 (due to the Manchester-Liverpool football playoffs) resulted in at least four angry phone calls from outraged show fans, ensuring a long life for the series. "Undetermined Bear Species Ovum" was the highest-rated show in PBN history.

7) Guess The Cost Of The Item - This was probably the most unique game show in the annals of broadcast TV. The show's contestants would estimate the price of everyday consumer goods, the one coming closest advancing to one of various games in which he/she would compete for cash and prizes. When Mrs. Lesting finally won the Magic Fingers bed (and the year's supply of quarters in the bonus round) there wasn't a dry eye in the studio audience. Host Hugh Flinch's tireless work in the field of Human Rights For Fowl continues to inspire.

8) Konnix - Matt Seldom played the London-based Bangla cigar-eating detective, whose unusual forensic methods always saved the day and solved the case. The script for "Entrails, Dungheaps And Foreheads" (written by the Banturean Laureate, Tribal Elder Noble Agwan Bal-Iteer) actually inspired the LAPD to employ shepherds for a brief time until they were unable to justify the expense to the City Council.

9) Lately With Shecky Duran - The variety show aired briefly in the mid-'60s on QBS at 3:00 AM Eastern until it was called to network owner Ted ("Lead, Follow Or Bring Me My Meds") Quisling's attention that nobody was watching due to the fact that none of their local affiliates were broadcasting during that time period.

10) Anatolian Sunset - This show from 1982 featured beautiful black-and-white photographs of sunsets sent in by viewers (narration by Clemmons-Clemmons Thierry). It aired at dawn on WZCR in Anatolia, Alabama and was the daily lead-in to "The Alabama-Auburn Football Game And Morning News."

11) Looking For Some Tesh - The 3-piece rock band with the beards from Texas (Two Pots And A Pan) searched for an entire year for the entertainment-show anchorman-turned-New Age musician so that they might, in the words of drummer Hoofmeat, "administer a severe tongue-lashing." Ironically, when they finally located him in Dayton, they enjoyed his playing so much that they asked him to join their band as keyboardist. The piece included here is the edit from the final jam session (we did our best to reconstruct the master using SMPTE, but a few frames per every two bars beginning just after 2:00 are missing, giving the jam section a "herky-jerky" or "incomplete" feel which has disoriented some Beta-Testers).

Say Ahh - This is an actual out-take of a certain celebrity newsman attempting to prove his virility just prior to the frank and brutal display of his first steps toward personality disintegration (which we all witnessed in the weeks leading up to his final broadcast).

Everybody loves television, and this music was written for television! So sit back, relax and enjoy Music For Television!

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Tom Grose has been busy since the concurrent late 2006 releases jetsam and At Bay careened through the ether to wide acclaim at home and abroad, generating sales in intangible amounts and royalty checks in unknown quantities. He has used the proceeds from these two highly successful albums to finance trips from his condo in Decatur to various destinations within his home county of Dekalb, once even venturing as far north as Chamblee when the directions were unclear.

Recently relocated, Mr. Grose has discovered the joys of rewiring for grounding purposes and the thrill of do-it-yourself landscaping utilizing cypress mulch, spreading it under the maple trees in his front yard (he plans to decorate the pines to the side of his house in a similar manner when sales of Music For Television make such an endeavour possible). Additional projects include building up the sloping soil at the back of his lot using twigs, dust and refuse; imitating his neighbor's fencing scheme, but with less flair; convincing the Board Of Commissioners to install six-foot-high speed bumps along his street; and closing down the high school to minimize employment opportunities for assistant principals. He is also looking to invest in a venture capital company specializing in loans to people who refuse to wear shoes.

Ever the niche marketer, Mr. Grose is currently focusing on a campaign to promote his music to octagenarians living on the other side of a nearby thoroughfare who, along with everyone else on earth, have been insulated from his music for decades due to its unavailability. He is also working out details for what he calls his "vice campaign," which will focus on getting his music heard by the criminal element. If you have found your way to this webpage and spend time loitering in front of the rent-to-own store, riding a bicycle through the neighborhood delivering drugs, unloading stolen property South of the mall or turning tricks near the tenements built back in the sixties, today is your lucky day...Music For Television is now available for a fraction of the proceeds from one illegal act.

Mr. Grose is available to give your business the lift it needs! Call for a rate schedule.

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