Redneck Canadian by Canadian Studmuffin

CAUSE HYDRO COMES IN SPURTS

OUR PUCKS REALLY SMELL

WHICH TAKES AWAY OUR BREATH

AND HAVE A GAME OF HOCKEY

UNTIL WE FREEZE TO DEATH

WE'RE WHITER THAN WHITE

FROM THE SUNSHINE WE LACK

AND EVERYONE IS A FUR TRADER

OR A LUMBERJACK

WE GOT SCHOOLS HERE

BUT THERE SURE AREN'T MANY

AND WE CAN'T GO TO THE BEACH

BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY

WE DON'T GOT ANY COPS

WE GOT MOUNTED POLICE INSTEAD

SO BEHAVE OR ELSE THEIR HORSES

WILL STOMP YOU TILL YOUR DEAD

SO I HOPE YOU LEARNED A LOT

REMEMBER IT'S COLD UP HERE, NOT HOT

I GUESS ALL I HAVE LEFT TO SAY

IS HOW'S IT GOING EH?

BLOODY BEAVER

SHE ALWAYS SEEMS SO ANGRY

IT MUST BE P.M.S

THAT GRUMPY BLOODY BEAVER

CAUSES ME DISTRESS

BEEN TWENTY EIGHT DAYS SINCE I LAID IT

I NEEDS A PIECE OF TAIL

SHE'S GONNA BE FLOODING ALL OVER

THE DAM IS GONNA FAIL

SHE WILL NEED TO PLUG IT

IT'S GONNA MAKE A MESS

I'LL GET THAT BLOODY BEAVER

TO THIS I MUST CONFESS

BEAVER BLOODY BEAVER

BEAVER BLOODY BEAVER

IM GONNA EAT THAT BEAVER TONIGHT

THIS I GUARANTEE

WITH ALL THAT HAIR AND BUCK TEETH

SHE WILL BE MINE TONIGHT

I'M GONNA GET A PIECE OF TAIL

BUT SHE'S GONNA PUT UP A FIGHT

I'LL HAVE TO SET A BETTER TRAP

IF I'M TO CATCH THIS BITCH

I'LL GET THAT BLOODY BEAVER

I'M GONNA MAKE HER TWITCH

ONE DAY IM GONNA CATCH HER

IN A MUCH BETTER MOOD

I WANTS TO HAVE HER FOR DINNER

I LOVES TO HAVE GREAT FOOD

CHORUS

SPENT ONE MORE WEEK OF TRYING

SHE'S GETTING ME SO MAD

I BEEN THINKING OF DOING

SOMETHING REALLY BAD

BUT I FINALLY GOT HER

SHE'S LAYING IN MY TRUCK

I GOT MY PIECE OF TAIL

I GUESS IT WAS GOOD LUCK

I GOT THAT BLOODY BEAVER

SHE'S BEEN FLOODING ME OUT FOR WEEKS

I GONNA COOK HER UP TONIGHT

WITH SOME CARROTTS, TATERS AND LEEKS

BEAVER BLOODY BEAVER

I LOVE MY MUFFIN

THERE'S A ROAD THAT RUNS OUT FROM THE PRAIRIE

IT'S A ROAD I'VE NEVER WALKED BEFORE

MOST PEOPLE CALL ME LARRY

I LOVE MY BEAVER SHE'S SO HAIRY

BUT I CAN'T HELP FEELIN' THAT THERE'S SOMETHING MORE

IF I AIN'T DRINKIN' YOU MIGHT JUST CATCH ME THINKING

THINKING OF WHERE I MIGHT WANNA GO

I'LL DRESS MYSELF RIGHT PRETTY AND HEAD OUT TO THE CITY

AT LEAST I WOULD IF IT WEREN'T SO FRIGGIN' COLD

I GOT A LITTLE DOG I LIKE TO CALL HER MUFFIN

I GOT A BIG DOG I JUST CALL IT ASSHOLE

THEIR TOO STUPID TO BE TRAINED BUT I LOVE THEM JUST THE SAME

I LOVE MY MUFFIN AND I LOVE MY BIG ASSHOLE

I WAS RAISED HERE, RIGHT HERE WHERE I'M STANDING

I'VE SHOVELED SHIT AND LORD I'VE SHOVELED SNOW

I'M REALLY NOT TOO CHOOSY

FOR A SCREW I JUST SEE LUCY

SHE'S MY COUISIN BUT NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW

SO WON'T YOU LISTEN LISTEN TO MY STORY

GRAB A BREW AND LET ME BARE MY SOUL

WE CAN DRINK UNTIL THE MORNING

BUT IF YOU FIND THAT BORING

YOU CAN TOUCH MY MUFFIN OR RUB ON MY ASSHOLE

THE MAKEUP SONG

I ASKED HER LAST NIGHT FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME

AND I MUST HAVE BEEN RIGHT OUT OF MY MIND

NOW I'LL BE PAYING A VERY HIGH PRICE INDEED

ESPECIALLY WHEN SEX IS WHAT I NEED

WHY DON'T YOU EVER WEAR MAKE UP

IT MIGHT EVEN MAKE YOU LOOK PRETTY

CAUSE EVEN IN THE DARKNESS OF NIGHT

YOU SURE DO LOOK PRETTY SHITTY

OUR LOVE WAS NEVER THE SAME AFTER THAT

I THINK I MIGHT HAVE EVEN SAID SHE WAS FAT

I'M IN THE DOGHOUSE NOW FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

JUST FOR PUTTIN' DOWN MY UGLY FAT WIFE

WHY DON'T YOU EVER WEAR MAKE UP

IT MIGHT EVEN MAKE YOU LOOK PRETTY

CAUSE EVEN IN THE DARKNESS OF NIGHT

YOU SURE DO LOOK PRETTY SHITTY

NOW SHE WANTS ME BACK IN HER LOVING ARMS

I THINK IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY CHARMS

I'LL NEVER SAY NOTHING MORE ABOUT THE WAY SHE'S LOOKING

BUT I STILL MIGHT COMPLAIN ABOUT HER AWFUL COOKING

WHY DON'T YOU EVER WEAR MAKE UP

IT MIGHT EVEN MAKE YOU LOOK PRETTY

CAUSE EVEN IN THE DARKNESS OF NIGHT

YOU SURE HAVE A REAL PRETTY KITTY

SHE'S GONNA NAG ME INTO THE GRAVE

SHE NAGS AT ME ALL DAY

SHE NAGS AT ME ALL NIGHT

SHE WANTS ME TO DO SOME CHORES

SHE CAN JUST GO AND FLY A KITE

SHE'S GONNA NAG ME INTO THE GRAVE

SHE'S GONNA NAG ME INTO THE GRAVE

SHE'S GONNA NAG ME INTO THE GRAVE

SHE WANTS HER FEET MASSAGED

I AIN'T TOUCHING THOSE SCABBY THINGS

GONNA PICK HER UP SOME MAXI PADS

YOU KNOW, THE ONES WITH WINGS

SHE'S GONNA NAG ME INTO THE GRAVE

SHE'S GONNA NAG ME INTO THE GRAVE

SHE'S GONNA NAG ME INTO THE GRAVE

I THINK I'M GOING INSANE

SHE'S CAUSING ME TOO MUCH STRIFE

OH GOD I NEED A HOLIDAY

PREFERABLY WITHOUT THE WIFE

SHE'S GONNA NAG ME INTO THE GRAVE

SHE'S GONNA NAG ME INTO THE GRAVE

SHE'S GONNA NAG ME INTO THE GRAVE

HIS DADDY WAS A HUNTER

IT'S TIME FOR HIS HUNTING TRIP

NOT THAT HE FOLLOWS THE LAW

HE GO'S A HUNTING WHEN HE WANTS

AND WATCH OUT FOR COPS.....THATS ALL

IF THEY COULD SEE IN MY FREEZER

IT'S FULL OF ILLEGAL GAME

MOOSE, DEER AND SOME BEAVER

AND SOME OTHER THINGS I CAN'T NAME

HIS DADDY WAS A HUNTER

TAUGHT HIM EVERYTHING HE KNEW

LIKE HUNTIN, FISHIN, AND DRINKIN AND EVEN CURSING TOO

HE'LL BE SITTING IN THE BUSH

WAITING SO PATIENTLY

FOR SOME SORT OF CRITTER

TO TURN AND START TO FLEE

HE WILL BRING UP HIS GUN

GET THEM IN HIS SIGHTS

MAYBE EVEN TAKE A SHOT

IF HE AINT BEEN DRINKIN ALL NIGHT

HIS DADDY WAS A HUNTER

TAUGHT HIM EVERYTHING HE KNEW

LIKE HUNTIN, FISHIN, AND DRINKIN AND EVEN CURSING TOO

IF THE ANIMALS COULD LAUGH

THEY'D BE LAUGHING RIGHT OUT LOUD

CAUSE NO MATTER HOW HE TRIES

HE CAN'T DO HIS DADDY PROUD

DAMN SURE HE CAN CURSE

HELLS YES HE CAN DRINK

BUT WHEN IT COMES TO HUNTING

YOU COULD SAY HE REALLY STINKS

IT'S LUCKY THAT ALL HIS BUDDYS

LIKE TO SHARE WHAT THEY HAVE SHOT

CAUSE IF IT WERE LEFT TO HIM WE'ED HAVE NOTHIN TO COOK IN THE POT

ALL INTO FAMILY

UP HERE IN THE COUNTRY

WAY OUT IN THE STICKS

WE DONT THINK MUCH OF STRANGERS

FOR THEY ALL CALL US HICKS

THERES MA AND PA AND GRAMPY

GRANDMA AND SISTER PRU

UNCLES AUNTS AND COUSINS

YEAH, THEY ALL LIVE HERE TOO

WE ALL PLAY TOGETHER

IN OUR BACKWOODS COUNTRY BAND

ERIC PLAYS GUITAR

WHILE GRAMPY CLAPS HIS HANDS

HERE IN REDNECK COUNTRY

WAY BACK IN THE HILLS

WE'RE ALL INTO FAMILY

THATS HOW WE GETS OUR THRILLS

MY FAVOURITE COUSIN'S LUCY

I THINKS SHE LIKES ME TOO

WE'VE LOTS OF FUN TOGETHER

CAUSE LUCY LIKES TO SCREW

COUSIN BILLY CAUGHT US LAST TIME

WE WERE ONLY HALF WAY THROUGH

SCREWING IN THE BACK ROOM

IF ONLY GRANDMA KNEW

WE WERE MESSING WITH HER TOASTER

SHE WANTS HER TOAST AND TEA

BETTER PUT IT BACK TOGETHER

GET THOSE SCREWS BACK IN,

HURRY!

HERE IN REDNECK COUNTRY

WAY BACK IN THE HILLS

WERE ALL INTO FAMILY

THATS HOW WE GETS OUR THRILLS

WE ALL PLAY TOGETHER

IN OUR BACKWOODS COUNTRY BAND

ERIC PLAYS THE GUITAR

WHILE GRAMPY CLAPS HIS HANDS

HERE IN REDNECK COUNTRY

WAY BACK IN THE HILLS

WERE ALL INTO FAMILY

THATS HOW WE GETS OUR THRILLS

REDNECK MAFIA

THERE'S A REAL TOUGH GANG IN MY HOMETOWN

WATCH YOUR STEP OR THEY'LL CUT YOU DOWN

THREE BRAVE CANUCKS HAVE JOINED FORCES

IT'S THE REDNECK MAFIA ON THEIR HIGH HORSES

NOW THEY DON'T USE GUNS OR EVEN KNIVES

BUT THEY CAN STILL DESTROY LOTSA LIVES

THEY'LL SLASH YOU TO DEATH WITH THEIR HOCKEY STICKS

THIS IS HOW MOST CANADIANS GET THEIR KICKS

I WAS GONNA JOIN BUT MEMBERSHIP AIN'T FREE

AND IF YOU'RE ONE OF THEM YOU GOT TO AGREE

TO PAY THE MEMBERSHIP OR YOU CAN'T GET IN

AND THEN YOU WON'T GET A REDNECK MAFIA PIN

DON CHERRY IS A MEMBER AND SO IS MY DAD

THAT IS WHY I'M CAREFUL I NEVER GET HIM TOO MAD

IT'S RUN FROM A LITTLE OLD BRICK HOUSE WAY UP IN NORTH BAY

AND MY GRANDMA'S THE RING LEADER SO STAY OUT OF HER WAY

MAYBE ONE OF THESE DAYS I'LL JOIN THEIR CLUB

OR ONE OF THEM WILL BE KILLED AND THEY'LL NEED A SUB

THEN I WON'T HAVE TO PAY THE FIFTY BUCKS HOPEFULLY

AND I'LL PROUDLY CALL MYSELF A REDNECK MAFIA BULLY

IF YOU ARE LAUGHING BOUT WHAT I JUST SAID

YOU MIGHT FIND A MOOSE HEAD IN YOUR BED

IF THE MEMBERSHIP PRICE COMES DOWN OR MY GRANDMA DIES

MAYBE I'LL BE ONE OF THOSE REDNECK MAFIA GUYS

BLOODY BEAVER BLUES

IT WAS LATE AT NIGHT

MY WIFE WAS ASLEEP

OUT OF MY BED

I DID SLOWLY CREEP

I MADE SURE I DIDN'T

MAKE ONE LITTLE PEEP

DANG THAT CREAKY FLOOR

THANK GOD SHE'S ASLEEP

(chorus)

NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE

JUST LOOKING FOR SOME FUN

WHEN I GET BACK HOME

DEAR LORD I PRAY

SHE DON'T GOT MY GUN

I'M CANADIAN REDNECK FROM MY HEAD DOWN TO MY SHOES

OH MAN IVE GOT THEM BLOODY BEAVER BLUES

OUT TO TOWN I GO

IT'S PARTY TIME FOR ME

OUT WITH THE BOYS

DERIK AND HARRY

GONNA MAKE SOME NOISE

CHUG A LUG A FEW BEERS

WITH NO WIFE IN SIGHT

I GOT ME NO FEARS

NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE

JUST LOOKING FOR SOME FUN

WHEN I GET BACK HOME

DEAR LORD I PRAY

SHE DON'T GOT MY GUN

I'M A CANADIAN REDNECK FROM MY TOUQUE DOWN TO MY SNOW SHOES

OH MAN IVE GOT THEM BLOODY BEAVER BLUES

NOW I'M DRUNKER THAN DRUNK

ABOUT TO FALL DOWN

SURE LOVE THE NIGHT LIFE

AND ACTING LIKE A CLOWN

BUT I BETTER CRAWL BACK

TO WHATS-HER-NAME

GO BACK TO THE HELLHOLE

FROM WHICH I CAME

chorus

NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE

JUST LOOKING FOR SOME FUN

WHEN I GET BACK HOME

DEAR LORD I PRAY

SHE DON'T GOT MY GUN

I'M A CANADIAN REDNECK FROM MY SLED TO MY BOOZE

OH LORD DANG THOSE BLOODY BEAVER BLUES

THEME FOR A REDNECK CANADIAN (INSTRUMENTAL)

BIG SMOOCHIE

I GOT A GIRL WHO'S THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

TALKIN' BOUT MY DOG, NOT MY WIFE

UNLIKE THAT BITCH, SHE CAUSES ME NO STRIFE

BIG SMOOCHIE

FOR MY POOCHIE

SHE PROTECTS ME WHEREVER I GO

SOME PLACES MY WIFE DON'T EVEN KNOW

AND THE WAY SHE NIBBLES ON MY TOE

BIG SMOOCHIE

FOR MY POOCHIE

I LOVE THAT GIRL WITH ALL OF MY HEART

EXCEPT MAYBE WHEN SHE'S GOTTA FART

THAT'S THE ONLY TIME I WISH WE WERE APART

BIG SMOOCHIE

FOR MY POOCHIE

SHE'S GOT FLEAS BUT I GOT THEM TOO

AS FOR MY WIFE IF SHE ONLY KNEW

I'D RATHER EAT DOG FOOD THEN HER DANG STEW

BIG SMOOCHIE

FOR MY POOCHIE

I GOT OTHER CRITTERS BUT NOTHING COMPARES

SCREW THE PIGS, SHEEP AND ALL THE MARES

I LOVE MY DOG SO MUCH EVERYONE STARES

BIG SMOOCHIE

FOR MY POOCHIE

SHE JUST TURNED FIFTEEN YEARS OLD TODAY

"LET HER LIVE FOREVER" I ALWAYS PRAY

IF YOU TAKE ANYONE, TAKE MY WIFE AWAY

BIG SMOOCHIE

FOR MY POOCHIE

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