Orgy by Canadian Studmuffin

so many many fine ladies

I feel like bursting into song

A song about a special place I have

And you know where it is?

That's right, it's in my bedroom

Take it away, Steev...

Baby step into my bedroom

I'm gonna rock your world like it's never been rocked before

Remember to close the door

Being with the Studmuffin

You will never have time to snore

Take off your sexy dress, baby

The slower the better

I'll take off my neck brace

and my Homer Simpson sweater

Lay on the Studmuffin's bed

There is no need to be afraid

Just keep your sexy body away

From where my cat Fluffball sprayed

Close your eyes and take a deep breath

You'll be in heaven before you know it

Okay I'm done, I'm finished

Let's go for a coffee and a donut

You'll remember this night for eternity

Or at least for a day or two

Don't forget your bra and panties

Or my wife is going to kill me and you

AT THE BAR (WITH NEIL YOUNG)

(main song composed and sung by Eric Myers)

By the time you get this

I will be half-pissed

and I won't know if I mean what I say

The times they are hard

So I've gone for a drink

And maybe I'll be back someday

CHORUS:

At the bar

Not much to do except to bitch and moan

At the bar

Always thinking of you but feeling so much better all alone

Come on down to the bar

You will see me there

With my worn out body

And my drunken stare

You might notice my frown

It's my favorite form of expression

When I'm in a deep depression

And my soul is nowhere to be found

CHORUS

If you ask me if I love you

You're going to get the truth this time

You see, I've had too many drinks

Much more than a glass of wine

Please don't get angry

I don't mean to be unkind

I just don't love anything anymore

Except maybe my alcoholic mind

CHORUS

ANTS IN MY PANTS

there are ants

in my pants

oh the feeling

so appealing

i think i'll keep them there

in my underwear

running around in circles

gasping for fresh air

THE MOST BORING SONG IN THE WORLD

I would like to play for you

The most boring song in the world

So grab a beer and grab your girl

As you are about to hear

The most boring song in the world

It has no chorus

It has no beat

It's very boring

and stinks more than your feet

So grab your aspirin

and grab your bong

and listen to this boring song

There is no guitar solo

and thank God for that

The music is godawful

and the vocals are flat

but what do you expect from the most boring song in the world

You won't find a melody

because I never put one in it

Thankfully this song isn't too long

and will be over in a minute

Oh hell, I'll add a chorus but it's very very lame

As this song has no structure and it all sounds the same

The most boring song in the world

la la la la la

The most boring song in the world

ha ha ha ha ha

Thank you for listening

I hope you enjoyed wasting the last couple minutes of your precious time

I think I'll stop singing the most boring song in the world now

before I lose my goddamn mind

MAN TO MAN

Lying beside you

Makes me so proud to be a man

I can not sleep I can only weep

knowing how much I love being with you

instead of that bitchy creep

it is truly the best

being nuzzled against your masculine chest

and we are not ashamed to show our feelings of mutual lust

oh that hairy bust!

and this precious moment in time will soon fade

and you will be back in her arms listening to her constantly yap

but that is okay

for we are not gay

we are just having a little nap

THE DAY WE MET

(piano by Danny Berk)

I was standing beside you

You were standing beside me too

We were standing together

side by side

with nothing much to say or do

You smiled a little smile

or perhaps it was just an awkward grin

Right then I knew that

our relationship was about to begin

I said a few words in Spanish

which really flew you for a loop

You offered me half of your ham sandwich

but I said I was in the mood for some soup

Before you know it we were holding hands

and you were borrowing money to take me to dinner

As soon as I saw you give that waitress the finger

I knew I had a real winner

From the day we first met

Right up to now

I just think of the way we met

and I say "holy cow"

Now it's been a few months

and I still love you honey

but I have to get this off my chest

you still owe me money

PRICELESS BLUES

(music by Dave Bell and Steev)

You've been on my mind baby for a long long time

I said you've been on my mind baby for a long long time

Any minute now you won't be on my mind anymore

but not until I stip singing this song

and you're walking out that damn door

I've been to France baby many many times

I said I've been to France many many times

I don't know why I actually mentioned that

but come to think of it

You could say travelling around the world is something I dabble at

You know any blues song without baby in the song

Just doesn't cut it as a blues song

I said any blues song without baby in the song

Just isn't right, in fact it's wrong

And baby before I forget

I've also been to Australia, the Netherlands and Hong Kong

Now Steev wrote this song for you all

and I composed these here lyrics

Oh, I forgot to say baby

and now I think it's too late

Oh geez...that's great

but don't worry baby baby baby baby baby baby baby

for we can sell this song at a bargain rate

Now I'm just wasting time

Boy, you must be hard of hearing because I said

Baby I'm just wasting time

This song is priceless

It's so priceless

It's not even worth a dime

BOB DYLAN RAP

I have no luck at anything

except for what I'm about to sing

I went downtown the other day and I saw an old lady

and when she wasn't looking I grabbed her purse

and then the little old bitch ran after me

caught up to me and gave me a bloody nose

but it could have been worse

I'm just not lucky when it comes to robbery

I think it's just a curse

Having little old ladies beating the hell out of me

I have no luck at anything

except for what I'm about to sing

Bob Dylan rap!

I went to school the other day

First time I showed up in eleven days

The teacher looked at me in a daze and said

"What the hell you doing in my class?"

and she proceeded to kick my ass

I'm just not lucky when it comes to education

I feel like such a jerk

I should have stayed home learning masturbation

I have no luck at anything

except for what I'm about to sing

Bob Dylan rap!

I went to church last night

and the priest was looking at me all uptight

It seemed he didn't want me around

So he clenched up his fist and started to pound

and I screamed "Oh my back! Oh my back!"

and he screamed "Then don't come back...don't come back!"

I ran from the church cursing and swearing

The choir boys all in a row staring

Bob Dylan rap!

Don't laugh at me

Give me no tongue

I have no luck at anything

except for what I just sung

157 STITCHES

Girl, you really hurt me

The night you stabbed me in the back

The pain was so intense

and then everything turned black

When I awoke you were nowhere in sight

To leave me laying there in a puddle of warm blood

Man, that's just not right

157 Stitches

Give or take a stitch

157 Stitches

Sewing me back together inch by inch by inch

I thought we were bosom buddies

I thought we were lifelong chums

but you've upset me so much

Now my body is always aching for the love we once had

and I'm addicted to Tums

157 Stitches

Give or take a stitch

157 Stitches

Sewing me back together inch by inch by inch

157 Stitches

Leaves a rather nasty itch

I once believed our friendship would last forever

but the knife in the back was the final straw

Maybe you didn't know but

Attempted murder isn't nice and it's also against the law

157 Stitches

Give or take a stitch

157 Stitches

Sewing me back together inch by inch by inch

157 Stitches

Leaves a rather nasty itch

157 Stitches

You goddamn bitch

AGITATED BEAVER

I'm an agitated beaver

I'm mad because I'm an agitated beaver

THE SOCK SONG

I'm taking my socks off

just for you

I know there is nothing sexier

that I could do

I could buy you flowers

but some day they would die

I could say that I love you

yet I don't want to see you cry

So I'm taking off my socks

one by one

not pulling the wool over your eyes

I know we're going to have some fun

You don't have to do anything

Just sit there and enjoy the show

If you're feeling kind of kinky

maybe later you can tickle my toe

ABDUCTED BY ALIENS

There are aliens and they sometimes abduct me

and I tell my friends and people I dont know

and they think I'm crazy

but I am not crazy because I know what is real

and being abducted by aliens is real

(except when I just dream about being abducted by aliens...)

LOST REMOTE CONTROL BLUES

I've been missing you babe for the last week or so

Really breaks my heart, where the hell did you go?

If I never find you, I'm gonna go insane

I need you changing channels for me again

I've got the lost remote control blues

I even missed a M.A.S.H. repeat

Can't live without Drew Carey, Survivor and the CNN News

Not to mention Sesame Street

I could never replace you

You fit just like a glove

My nights are so lonely now

Without reruns of Matlock and Lonesome Dove

I've got the lost remote control blues baby

And I've got nothing else on my mind

All I think I can do is maybe

Find some more words that rhyme

My days are dark, my nights even darker

Life isn't the same without Bob Barker

I could change the channels by hand but it wouldn't be the same

Getting up from my Lazy Boy is too much of a strain

When I first noticed it missing

I think I nearly died

All I need is my remote control back

and the latest issue of T.V. Guide

I've got the lost remote control blues

As I'm sure you already know

I might have to finally resort to

Changing the channels with my toe

TALES FROM TOPOGRAPHIC OCEANS

He was called a genuis

and he was way before his time

He was really fab and groovy

Until the day he lost his mind

He was just a pop singer

Who always had the blues

And just like Robert Palmer

he was always looking for clues

Of why with his success

His life was such a mess

He was always under duress

And that's why he wore a dress

Or sometimes even much much less

All of this could be blamed on irrational behavior

(or perhaps Aunt Bess)

But he's in denial

He'll never confess

And he blames everything in his life on that 70's progressive rock masterpiece

"Tales From Topographic Oceans" by Yes

It was the early 70's

And things were going swell

Until he heard that fateful album

And his mind went straight to hell

The lyrics could not be deciphered

Even with a dictionary

It didn't make any sense at all

Even to someone as senseless as me

And the moral of this story

Is basically this

Don't listen to Tales Of Topographic Oceans

If you want to remain in show biz

I AM STUDMUFFIN (instrumental)

(Music by OldPunksFromHell and Ryan Graves)

THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND

Baby, we can't keep seeing each other

Or I'm gonna go crazy and lose my mind

Even though we have a lot in common

Like we're both very oversexed and very blind

CHORUS:

It was like a whirlwind romance

It was all just so ill timed

It was like our love evaporated

It was like the blind leading the blind

I still remember the first time I didn't see you

And I touched your soft soft skin

And then I grabbed your left breast

And you slugged me on the chin

CHORUS

Memories of when I first kissed you

Under that tree in Central Park

The sun shone so brightly on that day

Even though we were both very much in the dark

CHORUS

I don't think you ever saw

The love I had for you was true

That is why I must say now

I am through not seeing you

CHORUS

DOG OF MY LIFE

I've got a dog that talks to me every day

I understand everything he does say

I tell him to "sit" and he says "no"

He says "Can I go outside?" and I say "go"

All my friends think I'm really quite insane

But they've never seen my dog singing in the rain

He's kind of lazy, never works too hard

Never seen him bury his bones in the yard

My dog never swears or gets too nasty

He learnt his good manners from watching "Lassie"

Never bothers chasing the neighbors cat

He told me he doesn't have time for that

I see him take out a bitch once in awhile

When he comes back home he's got a big smile

If I tell him a joke he always cracks up

He's had a sense of humor since he was a pup

We go to a movie and share some popcorn

He wags his tail if they're showing porn

I hope he's with me until the very end

Because a talking dog is this man's best friend

IT WAS IN THE TOILET

It was in the toilet

It was not of this earth

Maybe some alien

had just given birth

It's a big mystery

how it got in there

It was black and fermented

and growing hair

I tried to flush it

but there was no way in hell

It was bigger than a breadbox

and boy, did it smell

It made a strange noise

a gurgling sound

I looked for the plunger

but it could not be found

So I put on some gloves

and grabbed it real quick

I was very annoyed

not to mention very sick

The ending is gory

and I just have to say

I learned my lesson

on this miserable, rotten day

I shook it and shook it

until it exploded into bits

Never have grandpa over

when he has the shits

MY BEST SONG YET

Today is a sad day in my life

For I was not inspired to sing a song

In fact, I have no words to sing

So what you are listening to now should not be too long

I suppose it would help if I got Elvis Costello

To write some lyrics because he's a cool dude

I suppose it would help if I got Britney Spears

To take off all her clothes and prance around in the nude

But the fact remains that I have no song to sing

And it's embarassing

Now I have no reason for living

And more importantly no reason to sing

I was going to make this my best song yet

And take it all the way to number one on the chart

But I'm going to watch synchronized swimming on tv instead

And then shoplift some cd's at K-Mart

So you might ask yourself

"Why am I listening to this crap? That Graves must really have the gall!"

You might also ask yourself who will win the World Series

But I don't care because I don't like baseball

In case you do not know I live in Ontario, Canada

And I live in a house just like you

Although I can't get out because the snow has covered up my igloo

And I don't know what the hell to do

I was going to steal a few lyrics from a Led Zeppelin tune

And make this six minutes long or maybe even seven

But I cannot steal words from somebody else

And she's buying a stairway to heaven

BREAKFAST AT THE INSTITUTION

This game of lunacy

The constant nervous shakes

A lifetime of hardships surpassed

by the daily struggle to eat my Corn Flakes

Doctor Moore said I was insane

and I needed a long vacation

Now I sit here in a corner talking to myself

and I rarely disagree with the conversation

I'll get out of this demented place

No matter what it takes

I am normal as can be

except for all the nightmares about Corn Flakes

I am not the least bit crazy

Just ever so slightly bent

The sledgehammer my wife had used

barely made a dent

My smile quickly turns to a frown

As I am strapped into my seat

Mouth gagged and hands tied down

Damn, these Corn Flakes are hard to eat

ME AND YOU AND GEDDY LEE

Remember back to that special summer of '79

When there was nothing to do

So we went to see Rush in Toronto

And Geddy Lee winked at you

And then he took you backstage

While I was in the washroom throwing up

Later that night I saw you and you didn't even care that I was sick

And that is why I hate that little prick

Me and you and Geddy Lee

I will never ever forget that night

With you and Geddy Lee getting it on

And little old me nowhere in sight

Leaving the show you said you were sorry

And so we went to Burger King

And who was there but Geddy Lee

And I told that creep he couldn't sing

And then you slapped me really good

And fell back into his skinny little arms

And as I sing this I am still puzzled

On how you could fall for that geeky guys charms

Me and you and Geddy Lee

I will never ever forget that night

With Geddy Lee giving you his big whopper

Man, that's just not right

All these years later I still carry a grudge

Although I still buy every Rush cd that comes out

And I'll never understand why you stopped seeing me

To live with the bass player from No Doubt

You must have a thing for bass playing fools

Dreaming of their fame and fortune

Not to mention their jewels

Me and you and Geddy Lee

I will never forget that night

You and your bass playing friends

Can go fly a kite

PIXIE THE POODLE

Dear Mom

I've run away from home

This time it's for good

The other times were just practice runs

I'll miss your home cooked meals

not to mention my college funds

Is Dad still mad at me?

He didn't treat me very nice

How many times do I have to say I'm sorry

It was just an accident

Running over the family dog twice

God, it was gory

Pixie's guts everywhere

but you never heard the whole story

When she barked I stepped on the brake

Dad needs to calm down

It was just a damn poodle for heaven's sake

REPAIR MAN

Your one speaker isn't working

And so I thought I would write a song just to let you know

Your one speaker isn't working

And so I thought I would just let you know

because that's what friends are for

Both of your speakers are now working

Because I fixed them telepathically

Your one speaker is now working and now you have two that work

And now all you have to do is thank me

THE LIFE I LEAD

Oh, the life I lead

You would not believe

The women surrounding my well sculptured body

The things they say and do

Always so naughty

Oh the life I lead

You'd be full of jealousy

The beautiful ladies wearing next to nothin'

I guess that's why they call me the Canadian Studmuffin

And then the dream ends

As suddenly as it had begun

Reality hits

I'm no Don Juan

It's back to reality

And the end of all my fun

A CREATIVE MIND

(Guitar by Ryan Graves)

Everyone said he had a creative mind

but he always abused it

His imagination knew no ends

yet he seldom used it

Sitting in his castle of despair

Smoking up a storm

Casually attired in his underwear

For him this was the norm

No goals to achieve

No lovers to love

No buttons to push

No enemies to shove

Lapsing into his daily coma

with a cute little smile on his face

So thrilled at the honor

of not being part of the human race

Copyright Larry Graves 2004

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