Dance Remix 2003 by The Spam Avenger

“The Spam Avenger is diametrically opposed to that approach.”

The joke just got funnier. One Man’s Attempt to Rid the World of Unsolicited E-mail was intended to be a showcase of seething anger and spite. Humour was the furthest thing from The Spam Avenger’s mind when he documented his phone conversations with nefarious e-mail spammers and their agents.

Now The Spam Avenger channeled his anger in a different direction: the dance floor!! As you read this, thousands of teenagers are earning the title of “DJ” by converting their aggression into constructive media such as trance music, trip hop, digital hardcore, progressive horsemouth, and hygiene. Thousands more are venting their anger by dance, dance, dancing their asses clean off to the vibrations made by these visionary artisans. Subsequently, rates in youth crime are dropping, young adults are becoming more career minded, and adolescents prefer abusing commercially-sanctioned alcohol instead of indulging in illicit narcotic substances.

If dance music can make a better world, The Spam Avenger will help make spam e-mail unfeasible by taking his message to the dance clubs! The result is The Spam Avenger: Dance Remix 2003. Indeed, his sampling skills are a knockout combination flying fist-first into the faces of spammers everywhere. Surely, the hyper-kinetic mash up “I’m an Eel” will be christened Dance Club Hit of Hits for 2003. Being a realist, The Spam Avenger knows he cannot change the world on his own, so he recruited a posse of electronic musicians willing to slap the spam pimps upside the head while making the future leaders of tomorrow dance, dance, dance the night away!

Their collective talents produced what some are calling “the Dark Side of the Moon of comedy albums”. The Spam Avenger sniffs at the comedy label, but admits he can hear the resemblance. The Spam Avenger: Dance Remix 2003 does not have any breaks in between songs. Then again, neither did Redd Foxx’s You Gotta Wash Your Ass. Does that make Dark Side of the Moon the You Gotta Wash Your Ass of art rock? A moot question indeed.

Winnipeg-based multi-instrumentalist/DJ/producer MAMA was immediately opposed to participating because he hates Dark Side of the Moon. It was explained to MAMA that nobody would compare The Spam Avenger: Dance Remix 2003 to Pink Floyd for another six months. He recanted and whipped up two dark and disturbing jams: “Do Like Pie” – based on The Spam Avenger’s “Why Bulk E-Mail Gets Results” – and “Spark ‘Em Up”, a recontextualization of “Tickle This!” from One Man’s Attempt to Rid the World of Unsolicited E-Mail.

Calgarian DJ Scalpel enjoyed Dark Side of the Moon when he was a teenager, but did not find it at all funny. Then his friend Wrinkledink the Shoe Shine Guy told him that Nick Mason actually had a fluffy bunny’s tail mostly concealed by his trousers. Dark Side of the Moon earned him enough money to have it removed. Scalpel laughed. Then he upped the ante with “Bahamas” and “Frankunstine” – two highly-funky remixes of previously unreleased The Spam Avenger tracks.

Aaron Booth is from Toronto, but before he moved there, one of his favourite teenage pastimes was cutting a rug to Atom Heart Mother. Chemofunkestopians who attended Booth’s parties thought he was a gone daddy for his habit of busting out the moves after dropping “Alan’s Psychedelic Breakfast”. Thankfully, he found a like-minded friend in Geoffery Pye (aka The Yellow Jacket Avenger). That explains why their ambient backing tracks for “Recycled Hamburger” and “My Thang” pass for dance music.

Finally, Chris Vail (aka Vail Halen) added his stark and innovative brand of electronic music that combines digital tape loops and acoustic instruments in an improvised performance. The style is known as Coffee House. It is unlike anything produced by Detroit’s DJs. For his mix of “Shock Treatment” Vail was joined by a generic session DJ with the uncanny ability to read chord charts.

Spam e-mail merchants are scared. Piss-plain frightened, in fact. Once youth culture’s dancing legions get a drift of The Spam Avenger: Dance Remix 2003, pick up the phone, and dial those toll-free numbers they will have nowhere to hide. Not even one will be able to solicit a back rub from an anonymous, stoned waiter at the nearest dance club without being subjected to the pulsing invective of The Spam Avenger: Dance Remix 2003. All The Spam Avenger has to do is drop some E, sit back, and watch the geese.

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