The Big City Bob Songs by Bobby Rivers

Bobby Rivers – Former VH-1 Host

Relative albums: BOBBY RIVERS - "The Big City Bob Singles" and BOBBY RIVERS & 3's COMPANY - "Son of a Boy Named Sue"

The Top 5 Bobby Rivers':

*PARODY BOB RIVERS - Seattle DJ famous for Twisted Tunes CDs and The Bob Rivers Radio Show. Similar to "Weird" Al Yankovich. Visit him at www.bobrivers.com.

*TV BOBBY RIVERS - Ex VH-1 Vee-Jay and currently The host of "Top 5" on the Food Network. Hails from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and is now in New York. Some claim he is similar to Marc Summers in style. Visit him at www.bobbyrivers.com.

*INDIE BOBBY RIVERS - Independent Original Recording Artist and vocal impressionist from Green Bay, Wisconsin. Found in Wikipedia under the nickname Big city bob. He's at www.cdbaby.com/bob.

*AUSSIE BOBBY RIVERS - Australian sitcom character played by JON ENGLISH on the Australian TV show "All Together Now", which ran from 1990-1993. Similar to "The Partridge Family". Visit www.tvdads.com/tvdworld.shtml

*BOXING BOBBY RIVERS - Australian Welterweight Boxer. Visit him at www.boxrec.com.

Q: Which Bobby Rivers is this at CDBABY.COM?

A: This is the Indie (Independent Original) Bobby Rivers.

FUN FACTS:

DIMENSIONS - 6'2" 200LBS

BIRTHDAY - 03/11/67

STATUS - SINGLE DAD

MUSIC SPAN - 1978 - PRESENT

ALBUM ANALYSIS:

THE BIG CITY BOB SONGS will always be one of the most bizarre and infectious truly original albums I have ever heard, strangely having appeal across all demographics. The song writing is cleverly outrageous, similar to things you'd see in a Farrelly Brothers movie, and just good fun.

HOW GOOD IS THIS CD? Here's a true story.

An 11 year old boy received a telephone call from his girlfriend saying she wanted to break up with him. He promptly went over to girls house and knocked on the door. When she opened the door, he said "All that stuff I brought over here and gave you, you can keep. I just want my Big City Bob Songs back."

"BIG BOOBS" has cult classic written all over it, about the 'better or worse' commitment. The song combines Latin, Polka, Pop, Rock and Country in a strange and sexy brew.

"THE STORY OF BOB"

-written By R. Rivers, based on "The Story of Man" whose author is unknown- found at www.cdbaby.com/bobbyrivers12

"When I was young, all I thought about was having a perfect girlfriend. So at 15 I dated the prettiest girl in my school, but she flirted with all the boys and made me so jealous, I had to break it off.

Then at 16 I found a girl who thought only of me. In fact, she was so obsessed with me that I could not even go to the bathroom without her standing by the door, asking me if everything was ok. I quietly slipped away from her.

By 17 I was so horny I could no longer stand it and found a girl who was crazy about having sex. After applying the burning salve from the doctor and taking a round of very strong antibiotics, I grew out of this fascination.

After graduating at 18, I needed direction in life, so I found an older girl. But, at her age of 39, she reminded me too much of my Mother, telling me stories of when she was my age and what I had to look forward to in life: hemorroids, eventual unemployment, insomnia and weight gain. I told her I had to go home now.

At 19 I wanted to party, so I found a wild girl with tattoos and piercings, but she always smelled of smoke and alcohol, was not very clean or organized, had laundry all over her house, experimented with drugs, and had small unruly children that did not look like one another. A rather large man on a motorcycle made me leave and told me never to come back again. I took his advice gladly.

By 20 I wanted a sensitive girl, but she was such a drama queen that I could never stop her from crying and asking me about my feelings. I had to get away from her.

Going opposite at 21, I found an insensitive take-charge kind of girl, but she was too bossy, always yelling, calling me names and throwing things through the air. I had to bail.

So, at 22 I decided on a much quieter and reliant girl, but she could not be naked in front of a boy, slept with the covers pulled tight to her neck, never used the bathroom and in general, was boring! All we ever did was eat, watch movies and walk around the block. We never talked or went anywhere exciting and she was also a lousy kisser, so I broke it off after gaining 35 pounds.

By 23 I lost the weight and found a sparky self-reliant girl, but she had no time for me. She was always busy with something else and could never get together. She later moved away to Denver and told me about it six months after she was settled in there, wondering if I would move there too, just not in the same house with her. I told her thanks, but by that time I had already found a new adventure.

At 24 I met a REALLY free spirited girl who actually loved being with me. But, she could not hold a job, got me fired from mine, spent all our loan money on expensive vacations and then later told me she had finally found her true soul mate.......Jenny.

By 25 I was now ready to settle down, I knew exactly what I wanted in a girl. I wanted a focused girl with a good head on her shoulders. Someone who knew exactly what she wanted in life, was responsible, directed, good with money and resourceful. Luckily I did.

In fact, she was so financially resourceful she later divorced me and took all the furniture, the SUV, half my pension, child support and alimony AND left me with $167,000 of debt.

I am now 39 and looking for a young professional woman with extremely big boobs...."

BIG BOOBS (Jaeger-Rivers) (1982)

WELL SHE LOOKS SO MEAN SHE COULD KILL,

AND WHEN SHE LOVES ME, SHE LOOKS LIKE DAT STILL.

SHE CAN'T EVEN COOK A MEAL,

BUT TO ME, IT'S NO BIG DEAL

'CUZ I LIKE HER BIG BOOBS AND HER LITTLE CHEEKY BUTT

I LIKE HER BIG BOOBS AND HER LITTLE CHEEKY BUTT

WELL SHE NEVER TAKES A BATH,

AND IN PUBLIC, SHE SCRATCHES HER ASS.

HER BREATH SMELLS LIKE A PIG FARM BREEZE,

BUT HEY, IT'S ALRIGHT WITH ME.

'CUZ I LIKE HER BIG BOOBS AND HER LITTLE CHEEKY BUTT

I LIKE HER BIG BOOBS AND HER LITTLE CHEEKY BUTT

-SOLO-

WELL SHE CHEATS ON ME NOW AND THEN,

BUT THEY ALWAYS SEND HER BACK HOME AGAIN.

SHE'S HAVING KIDS ALL THE TIME,

AND ALL BUT FIVE ARE MINE! IT'S ALL BECAUSE

WE ALL LIKE HER BIG BOOBS AND HER LITTLE CHEEKY BUTT

YEAH WE ALL LIKE HER BIG BOOBS AND HER LITTLE CHEEKY BUTT

WELL NOW WE'VE BOTH TURNED GRAY,

AND WE'RE WAY TOO OLD TO PLAY.

NOW WE'RE JUST HANGING AROUND,

WITH EVERYTHIN' FALLEN DOWN

NOW I LIKE HER BIG BOOBS, AND HER BIG OLD SAGGY BUTT

YEAH I LIKE HER BIG BOOBS, AND HER BIG OLD SAGGY BUTT

BUT YEARS AGO, DON'T YOU KNOW!

I LIKED HER BIG BOOBS AND HER LITTLE CHEEKY BUTT

I LIKED HER BIG BOOBS AND HER LITTLE CHEEKY BUTT

AH! BUT YEARS AGO, DON'T YOU KNOW!

I LIKED HER BIG BOOBS AND HER LITTLE CHEEKY BUTT

I LIKED HER BIG BOOBS AND HER LITTLE CHEEKY BUTT

NOW WHEN I WATCH THE TV YA KNOW!

I LIKE BIG BOOBS AND LITTLE CHEEKY BUTTS

I LIKE BIG BOOBS AND LITTLE CHEEKY BUTTS

AND WHEN I VISIT THE DOCTOR YA KNOW!

I LIKE BIG BOOBS AND LITTLE CHEEKY BUTTS

I LIKE BIG BOOBS AND LITTLE CHEEKY BUTTS

AND WHEN I GO TO THE SUPERMARKET YA KNOW!

I LIKE BIG BOOBS AND LITTLE CHEEKY BUTTS

I LIKE BIG BOOBS AND LITTLE CHEEKY BUTTS

AND WHEN I WATCH THE T.V. YA KNOW!

I LIKE BIG BOOBS AND LITTLE CHEEKY BUTTS

I LIKE BIG BOOBS AND LITTLE CHEEKY BUTTS

"LITTLE MORE POLKA" makes you want to jump off your seat and stomp around. It is a stereotype number about a polka fan who just can't get enough of his music, or his wife, however you interpret it. It is also featured on the soundtrack album of the Gary Huckleberry comedy film "Truth Beauty" and is played during the office scene, 4/5 into the movie.

LITTLE MORE POLKA (Jaeger-Rivers) (1982)

I LOVE TO POLKA WIT HER, TO ME IT'S SHEER DELIGHT

IF I COULD HAVE IT MY WAY, WE'D POLKA EVERY NITE.

WE'D POLKA ON DA TABLE, WE'D POLKA ON DA FLOOR,

WE'D POLKA 'TIL DA MORNING,

DEN WE'D POLKA A LITTLE MORE

WE POLKA IN DA BAR ROOM, AND WHEN MY GIRL IS THROUGH,

SHE GIVES ME TO HER SISTER, AND I POLKA WIT HER TOO!

WE POLKA ON DA TABLES, WE POLKA ON DA FLOOR.

WE POLKA 'TIL DA MORNING,

DEN WE POLKA A LITTLE MORE

I POLKA WIT DA KITTY, AND DA PUPPIES TOO

I'M JUST A POLKA MONKEY IN DA POLKA ZOO

WE POLKA IN DA STABLES, WE POLKA ON DA FARM

WE POLKA IN DA MILKHOUSE

AND OUT BEHIND DA BARN

WE POLKA IN DA GARDEN, WE POLKA IN DA SHED.

WE POLKA IN MY MIND WHEN I LIE ASLEEP IN BED.

WE POLKA IN DA FRONT YARD, WE POLKA IN DA BACK.

WE'D POLKA IN A MANSION, BUT WE OWN A SHACK

OOOOWN A SHACK

WE POLKA IN DA KITCHEN, WE POLKA IN DA DEN.

WE POLKA TO DA BEDROOM, DEN WE POLKA DER AGAIN

WE POLKA ON DA MATTRESS WHEN OUR FEET GET SORE.

DARLING, I'M NOT TIRED,

SO LET'S POLKA A LITTLE MORE

"TRAILOR BY DA BAY" is a story song about a factory worker who moves his family and their mobile home into a very rich bayside subdivision. What a sitcom this would make! Funny!

TRAILOR BY DA BAY (R. Rivers) (1999)

SHE THINKS I AM THE DOCTOR WHEN HER SHOULDERS ARE SORE.

SHE TELLS ME I'M PATCH ADAMMS, WHEN THE KIDS GET BORED.

SHE DON'T KNOW THE NEIGHBORS WOULD LIKE US TO MOVE AWAY.

SHE THINKS I'M SUCCESSFUL IN OUR TRAILER BY DA BAY.

ALL OUR NEIGHBORS GOT MANSIONS UP AND DOWN THE SHORES.

DOCTORS AND LAWYERS AND OWNERS, ALL TYPING ON THEIR BOARDS,

WHILE I WORK DOWN AT THE FACTORY, 14 HOURS A DAY,

TO HELP SUPPORT MY FAMILY IN OUR TRAILER BY DA BAY.

TWENTY YEARS AGO MY DADDY WILLED ME LAND ALONG THIS BAY.

SO I UP AND MOVED MY TRAILER RIGHT OUT OF DOWNTOWN GREEN BAY.

SINCE THEN 47 MANSIONS WENT UP ALONG ITS SHORES,

AND THE LAST TWO SOLD WERE ON EACH SIDE OF MY TRAILER, RIGHT NEXT DOOR.

ALL OUR NEIGHBORS GOT MONEY,

BUT THEY'RE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR MORE.

ONE'S WIFE LIVES AT THE SHOPPING MALL

WHILE HER HUSBAND SNEAKS NEXT DOOR.

WELL, MY WIFE LOVES ME LIKE A TIGER,

SHE GETS SO HORNY FOR ME EVERYDAY.

THAT'S WHY WE GOT 17 CHILDREN IN OUR TRAILER BY DA BAY

SOME OF MY NEIGHBORS GOT PROBLEMS ASSOCIATED WITH ME.

SOME OF THEM REALLY GET ANGRY WHEN I'M OUTSIDE GOIN' PEE.

A COUPLE OF 'EM PUT UP FENCES, AND SOME OF THEM MOVED AWAY,

CUZ THEY JUST CAN'T STAND-A-LOOKIN'

AT MY TRAILER BY DA BAY.

WELL NOW I LIVE IN THE SUBURBS WITH ALL THE COMMON FOLK.

AND ALL MY KIDS GO TO COLLEGE, AND NONE OF US ARE BROKE.

WELL I RETIRED FROM THE FACTORY, I GOT MONEY STASHED AWAY.

'CUZ THEY GAVE ME A MILLION DOLLARS

AND PUSHED MY TRAILER IN DA BAY.

THAT'S HOW I GOT SUCCESSFUL, THROUGH A TRAILER BY DA BAY.

AWWW YEAH, YOU GOT DAT RIGHT.

"FUZZY BALLS" must be considered the 'last rock and roll song' of the millennium. Written and recorded in December of 1999, it is ironically based on the same themes as the very first rock and roll songs, Jimmy Liggin's "Cadillac Boogie" (1947) and Ike Turner's "Rocket 88" (1951). It even sounds like Elvis singing, with Fats on the piano! A very clever tune!

FUZZY BALLS (R. Rivers) (1999)

I GOT A 55 CHEVY WITH AN

ALLIGATOR ON THE SIDE,

AND A DOZEN FUZZY BALLS

JUST A JUMPIN' IN THE DASHBOARD LIGHTS.

WELL THEY WIGGLE AND THEY JIGGLE

AS MY 455 IS REVVING.

AND, WHEN MY BABY COMES A RIDIN',

WELL IT'S JUST LIKE GOIN' TO HEAVEN

SHE LOVES IT WHEN WE'RE RIDING ALONG,

A SITTING REAL CLOSE TO MY ARM,

AND IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER

WHERE WE'RE GOING TO AT ALL.

SHE JUST TURNS MY RADIO ON,

AND STARTS PLAYING WITH MY FUZZY BALLS.

WELL, I'M A GREASY MONKEY

IN MY DADDY'S FIX-IT-SHOP ON BROADWAY.

I GOT A GREEN AND GOLD STICKER

ON THE BACK BUMPER OFF TO THE SIDE.

I BOUGHT A BAG OF FUZZY BALLS

IN THE TOY DEPT. DOWN AT KRESGE'S.

WELL, I HUNG 'EM ON STRINGS,

AND I TIED 'EM ALL AROUND IN MY RIDE.

-CHORUS TWICE AND TAG-

NEEDLE IN THE HAYSTACK (R. Rivers) (1994)

MAMA SAID, "THERE'S A LID FOR EVERY KETTLE."

I NEVER FOUND ONE THAT EVEN FIT A LITTLE.

I FELT LIKE A SHINER, HUNTING WITH A ONE EYED DOG.

WELL, AS SOON AS I QUIT LOOKING FOR A MEDAL,

DOWN FELL MY PRETTY ROSE PETAL.

IT TOOK SO LONG JUST TO SOLVE MY RIDDLE BUT

YOU WERE THE NEEDLE IN THE HAYSTACK.

HOW IN THE WORLD DID I FIND

SUCH A TREASURE (WOMAN) LIKE YOU?

YOU, YOU'RE THE NEEDLE IN THE HAYSTACK.

IT WAS WORTH ALL THE TROUBLE IN MY LIFE,

JUST TO FIND YOU.

YA BETCHA NOW THERE'S A KETTLE WITH A COVER.

I'LL NEVER HAVE A NEED TO FIND ANOTHER,

'CUZ THIS ONE'S COVERING ME

AS TIGHT AND WELL AS IT CAN BE.

WELL, AS SOON AS I QUIT LOOKING FOR A MEDAL,

THERE WAS MY PRETTY ROSE PETAL.

IT TOOK SO LONG JUST TO SOLVE MY RIDDLE BUT

-CHORUS-

"MY MONEY" is...well, I think if you play this one backwards, you'll get very rich and happy!

MY MONEY (Rivers) (1994)

I'M SELLING EVERYTHING I OWN

JUST TO GIVE HER MY MONEY.

CHEWING ON A RAWHIDE BONE

CUZ I GAVE HER MY MONEY.

I LEFT HER THE LIMITED BROUGHAM,

NOW I'M DRIVING THE CHEVY,

AND LIVING IN THE MEXICAN ZONE

AIN'T DA LAND OF PLENTY.

SHE'S GOT HER BOYFRIEND SHARING MY HOME.

HE AIN'T HELPING ME PAY THE LOAN.

AND THEY'RE HAVING A PARTY, WITH MY MONEY.

I'M WORKING TWO FULL TIME JOBS

JUST TO GIVER HER MY MONEY.

I SEE MY KIDS ONCE A MONTH

AND I GIVE THEM SOME MONEY.

I SLEEP AT NIGHT LIKE AN OWL

CUZ I GOT ME NO MONEY.

"LA BAMBA'S" POUNDING THROUGH MY WALLS

AND THEY THINK IT'S REALLY FUNNY.

-CHORUS TWICE-

"LIVING IN THE COUNTRY SUCKS" speaks volumes to those redneck country folks, but I think the city people are going to find this amusing too.

LIVING IN THE COUNTRY SUCKS (Jaeger-Rivers) (1982)

I WAS BORN IN A TWO ROOM SHACK IN MISSISSIPPI,

AND WE DIDN'T HAVE NO LUCK.

EVERYTHING WAS FALLING APART AND MY LIFE REALLY SUCKED.

SO I MARRIED THE GIRL DOWN THE ROAD, SHE WAS UGLY AS CAN BE,

AND I REALLY DIDN'T LIKE HER MUCH,

BUT SHE WAS ALWAYS GOOD IN DA HAY.

NOW LIVING IN THE COUNTRY SUCKS

CUZ THERE'S NO ACTION HERE.

ALL WE DO ON A FRIDAY NIGHT

IS DRINK A LOT OF CHEAP BEER.

THEN WE GO DOWN TO THE WATERING HOLE

AND SKINNY DIP ALL NIGHT.

THEN WE GO BACK TO THE BAR

AND START A BIG FIGHT.

LIVING IN THE COUNTRY SUCKS AND I HATE LIVING HERE.

BUT THERE'S ONE GOOD THING ABOUT IT,

THERE AIN'T TOO MANY OF DEM QUEERS.

-VERSE TWO-

-VERSE THREE-

"I JUST CAME IN HERE TO FOOL AROUND" finds a divorced couple meeting each other all over again at the local bar, with some quite interesting results!

I JUST CAME IN HERE TO FOOL AROUND (R. Rivers) (1996)

SHE'D BEEN THROUGH HELL AND BACK WITH A MAN LIKE ME.

LOOKING AT HER OVER THE BAR, WELL, IT WAS SO EASY TO SEE.

I ASKED HER IF SHE WANTED TO DANCE,

AND SHE SAID, "ALRIGHT."

I SAID, "YOU WANNA DO THE CHA-CHA?

IT'S A LONELY OLD NIGHT."

SHE SAID, "I AIN'T THINKIN' 'BOUT YOU AT ALL!

AND, I AIN'T GONNA FOLLOW YOU BACK HOME!

I NEVER REALLY WANTED TO WEAR YOUR WEDDING GOWN!

I JUST CAME IN HERE TO FOOL AROUND!"

SHE SAID, "OH WELL, I JUST GOT DONE WITH A NO GOOD MISTER LIKE YOU.

WHO'D LEAVE ME AT HOME WITH THE KIDS AND NUTHIN' TO DO. WHILE YOU'RE OUT ALL NIGHT CHASING WOMEN LIKE YOU'RE 17.

AND, COMIN' HOME DRUNK LOOKIN' FOR A LITTLE SOMETHING FROM ME."

-CHORUS-

"SON OF A BOY NAMED SUE" is an original sequel song to Johnny Cash's top ten smash hit "A Boy Named Sue", which was written by Shel Silverstein. In "Son of a Boy Named Sue", written and recorded by Bobby Rivers, this kid named Bill or George is more like his Grandfather than Father and winds up marrying, you guessed it, a girl named Sue! This is a great song, and the voice! I think he snuck Johnny Cash in the studio for this, or it's one dandy impression!

"I wrote this after Shel passed away, but did not realize it yet at the time. I also find it strange that it references the second work from 1978 that I did not even know existed until after this project was released. It isn't even my writing style. As strange as it sounds and as fast as it came out of me, sometimes I think Shel wrote this thing." R. Rivers.

To fully understand this lyric, if you haven't already, check out Shel Silverstein's 1978 sequel song "The Father of the Boy Named Sue" at http://www.banned-width.com/shel/works/boysuepa.html

The cd of his 1978 LP "Songs and Stories" which features this song is sold at laugh.com at page http://store.yahoo.com/laughstore/shelsilsonan.html

SON OF A BOY NAMED SUE (R. Rivers) (1999)

(based on the Shel Silverstein writings "A Boy Named Sue", made famous by Johnny Cash and "Father of the Boy Named Sue", written and recorded by Shel Silverstein)

WELL, I WAS BORN ON A FRIDAY, JULY THE 13TH.

I HAD A FULL HEAD OF HAIR AND MY TWO FRONT TEETH,

AND I CAME OUT SCREAMING AND A KICKING

LIKE A BULL RUNNING WILD.

WELL THE DOCTOR GRABBED ME AND I BIT HIS HAND.

I WAS JUST OFFENDED 'CUZ I KNEW I COULD STAND.

AND, WHEN THE NURSE SLAPPED MY BOTTOM, WELL,

I JUST TURNED AROUND AND I SMILED. :-)

WELL, MY DADDY CALLED ME BILL OR GEORGE,

'CUZ EITHER ONE WAS BETTER THAN THE ONE HE WORE,

AND HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO LIVE A LIFE OF SHAME.

BUT, THEY CALLED ME THE KID WITH THE DAD NAMED SUE,

AND I'D GET SO MAD THAT MY FACE WOULD TURN BLUE,

'CUZ I LOVED MY DAD, EVEN THOUGH HE HAD THAT AWFUL NAME.

SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT HE WAS QUITE A JOKE,

AND, HE GOT A LOT OF LAUGHS FROM A LOT OF FOLK,

SEEMED HE HAD TO FIGHT HIS WHOLE LIFE THROUGH.

SOME GAL WOULD GIGGLE AND HE'D GET RED,

THEN SOME GUY'D LAUGH AND HE'D BUST HIS HEAD.

I TELL YA, LIFE WASN'T EASY FOR MY DAD NAMED SUE.

IN SCHOOL I THOUGHT I WAS A PRETTY GOOD KID.

OF COURSE, I WOUND UP IN TROUBLE FOR SOME THINGS I DID,

LIKE DRILLING PEEP HOLES

THROUGH THE OLDER GIRL'S SHOWER ROOM STALLS.

THEN THERE WAS THE TIME I SNAPPED

THE CHEERLEADER'S BRASSIERRE,

AND SHE SPUN AROUND AND CALLED ME A QUEER,

THEN HER BOYFRIEND PUNCHED ME AND WE STARTED

THE CAFFETERIA ROOM BRAWL, AND THAT AIN'T ALL...

IN CCD, I COULDN'T MEMORIZE SONGS,

SO I MADE UP THE WORDS AS I WENT ALONG,

AND, I WASN'T MUCH BETTER AT REMEMBERING MY TABLE PRAYERS.

I'D SAY IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, SON, AND HOLY GHOST,

OH WELL, WHOEVER EATS THE FASTEST IS GONNA GET THE MOST,

SO PASS ME SOME POTATOES,

'CUZ I THINK THEY'RE GETTING COLD OVER THERE.

I MET MY WIFE AT A BROADWAY BAR.

SHE HAD TATTOOED HIPS, STRETCH MARKS AND SCARS.

SO I WALKED RIGHT UP TO HER AND SAID,

"WELL HONEY, HOW DO YOU DO?"

I TOLD HER MY NAME WAS BILL OR GEORGE

'CUZ EITHER ONE WAS BETTER THAN THE ONE BEFORE,

AND SHE SAID,

"OH WELL, WHATEVER, HOW ARE YA? MY NAME IS SUE!

BUT MY FRIENDS CALL ME SUEY."

MY DADDY, WELL, HE LIKED HER RIGHT AWAY.

SO, I TOOK HER OUT AND MARRIED HER THE VERY NEXT DAY,

AND IN TEN YEARS, WELL, WE HAD 17 BOYS.

AND, WE STILL HAVE FUN EVERY NOW AND THEN,

AND MY WIFE JUST TOLD ME THAT SHE'S EXPECTING AGAIN,

AND THAT IF WE HAVE ANOTHER SON............SHE SAYS

SHE'S GOING TO NAME HIM SUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"NICOTINE WOMEN" is a Jimmy Buffet style ode to local bars from Kewaunee County (one county south of Door County) in Wisconsin. If you haven't been there, this song makes no sense to you other than the general story line of a guy hooked on the bar scene trying to change for his new appropriate girlfriend.

NICOTINE WOMEN (R. Rivers) (1999)

SIPPIN' CAFÉ MOCHA ON THE BAYSIDE,

LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER.

TWO PUPPIES ARE ROLLING AROUND IN THE SAND.

LITTLE WAVES ARE SLIDING UP ACROSS THE LAND.

I'M TRYING DESPERATELY TO CHANGE MY EVIL WAYS

FOR MY NEW LADY. NOW I'M IN CAPPACINO HEAVEN

LOOKING DOWN ON NICOTINE WOMEN, ALCOHOL AND SONGS.

THIS DOUBLE A WORKBOOK IS HARD TO READ

ON THE BACK OF THIS WAGON.

AND THESE NICOTINE PATCHES ARE GETTING ME DOWN,

I STILL SNEAK ONE WHEN SHE ISN'T AROUND.

I GRAB MY GUITAR AND I GO DOWNTOWN,

FOR ONE MORE POKER RUN! YEAH!

I'M STARTING DOWN AT LIPSKY'S,

DRINKING WITH NICOTINE WOMEN,

AND SINGING ALCOHOLICS SONGS.

NOW I'M AT THE RUN,

SHOUTING AT SOME NICOTINE WOMEN,

'CUZ THE BAND PLAYS TOO LOUD!

AW, TAKE THE MUSTANG TO SHELLY'S,

WHILE THE RADIO IS ON.

NOW I'M OVER AT MOXIE'S,

KISSING ON SOME NICOTINE WOMEN,

WEARING LITTLE BITTY THONGS. YEA! YEA!

THROWING UP IN THE BUCKET,

I HAD TOO MUCH NICOTINE, WOMEN,

ALCOHOL AND SONGS.

"CAN'T EVEN STAND UP" is a reggae-country mix with a crazed story line about a guy so drunk he can't respond to the affections of his bar tramp predator. Tongue in cheek abounds on this laughable number.

CAN'T EVEN STAND UP (R. Rivers) (1998)

I CAN'T EVEN STAND UP

'CUZ MY BEER HAS PUT A SPELL ON ME.

I CAN'T EVEN STAND UP,

AND THIS GIRL IS LOOKING PRETTY GOOD TO ME.

BUT I CAN'T EVEN STAND UP,

LAWD SHE'S ASKING ME TO COME AND DANCE,

BUT I CAN'T EVEN STAND UP.

AW, I BET YA SHE'D BE A GOOD ROMANCE

SHE WALKS OVER TO MY BAR STOOL

AND PUTS HER TATTOOED ARMS AROUND ME.

SHE WHISPERS IN MY EAR WITH HOT WHISKEY BREATH

AND I NOD MY HEAD. SHE WANTS TO TAKE ME

HOME AND FIX ME UP WITH LEATHER KISSES.

I THINK THIS CANNONBALL WANTS TO TAKE ME HOME TO BED!

-CHORUS-

SO I OPEN UP MY MOUTH AND TRY TO TELL HER I'M HER LOVER.

BUT MY TONGUE IS STUCK ON THE ROOF,

YEAH AND I BET YA I'D A SAID IT COOL.

IF I COULD MOVE A MUSCLE,

I'D BE OVER THERE BESIDE HER.

OH I COULD BE BENDING OVER HER A SHOOTIN' POOL BUT-

-CHORUS-

SHE WALKS OVER TO MY BAR STOOL

AND PUTS HER TATTOOED ARMS AROUND ME.

SHE PICKES ME UP REAL ROUGH,

AND THEN SHE LOADS ME IN HER CHEV.

SHE'S DRIVING AWFUL CRAZY.

ORDINARILY I'D LIKE THAT,

BUT NOW THIS CANNONBALL HAS GOT ME IN HER BED! AND-

-CHORUS-

"MERRY XMAS BAYBAYA" winds up being that Xmas song you'll want to sing to your spouse EVERY Christmas Eve!

MERRY XMAS BAYBAYA (1982)

(Jaeger-Rivers)

MERRY XMAS BAYBAYA

MERRY XMAS TO YOU-A

MERRY XMAS BAYBAYA

GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU

I'LL BE COMIN' HOME

DOWN YOUR CHIMNEY

WHEN YOU'RE IN

BED AT NIGHT

I'LL BRING A PRESENT

HOME TO YOU

AND GIVE IT

TO YOU TONIGHT

MERRY XMAS BAYBAYA

MERRY XMAS TO YOU-A

MERRY XMAS BAYBAYA

GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU

I'LL BE COMIN' HOME

DOWN YOUR CHIMNEY

WHEN YOU'RE IN

BED AT NIGHT

I'LL BRING A PRESENT

HOME TO YOU

AND SLIP IT

TO YOU TONIGHT

A**HOLES (Rivers) (1982)

I TOOK MY DARLIN' ON A DATE LAST SUNDAY NIGHT

TO A GET TOGETHER WITH MY GOOD FRIENDS

I HAD TO TAKE HER HOME BY 8, CUZ WE HAD A FIGHT

AND NOW SHE NEVER WANTS TO SEE ME AGAIN

AND THEN SHE TOLD ME

"YOUR FRIENDS ARE A**HOLES, GO HAVE A BALL!

YOUR FRIENDS ARE A**HOLES, AND YOU'RE THE BIGGEST ONE OF ALL!"

WELL, I WENT BACK TO THE PARTY KINDA LATE, WITH MY SHIRT PULLED OUT,

AND THEY WONDERED WHAT KINDA WRECK I'D BEEN IN

THEY ASKED ME 'BOUT MY BIG FIRST DATE, "HOW'D IT ALL CUM OUT?"

AND I TOLD 'EM WIT A SILLY GRIN, I SAID,

"SHE WAS AN A**HOLE! WE HAD A BALL! SHE WAS AN A**HOLE,

THE BIGGEST ONE I EVER SAW! SHE TOLD ME........"

"ha ha haha ya gotta be sh***in' me! She said that?"

MY FRIENDS ARE A**HOLES, BUT WE HAVE A BALL

MY FRIENDS ARE A**HOLES AND I'M THE BIGGEST ONE OF ALL

"WITCH ON A BROOM" is not based on any true story, but what a story it would make! The bride to be takes a comment wrong from the best man and starts a rumble right to the reception!

WITCH ON A BROOM (R. Rivers) (1996)

I'M GONNA TELL YOU A STORY

'BOUT A FRIEND OF MINE.

HE'S MARRYING THE GIRL THAT'S CRAZY,

WITCHY, WITCHY ALL THE TIME.

ONE DAY I WAS JOKING,

I TOLD HER THAT SHE HAD A BIG ASS

(because she always called my friend, "A big ass.")

I WENT TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM

IN A REAL BLAST. THEN I SAID,

"LOOK AT THE BRIDE AND THE GROOM!"

"SHE'S A WITCH ON A BROOM!

SHE'S WITCHY ALL THE TIME!"

NOW HE'S STANDING AT THE ALTAR,

SACRIFICING HIS LIFE.

I KNOW I'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN

WHEN HE MAKES HER HIS WIFE.

SO, I'M SITTING IN THE PEW,

FEELING LIKE I'M SWALLOWING TACKS.

WHEN THE REVEREND SAID, "SPEAK NOW..."

I SHOUTED FROM THE BACK, I SAID-

-CHORUS-

AT THE RECEPTION,

SHE DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT ME TWICE.

HER FACE WAS CRACKING

WHEN SHE HAD TO BE NICE.

THAT NIGHT, THEY BOTH GOT DRUNK,

AND HE CALLED HER A BITCH.

THE DOCTOR TOLD HIM IT WAS

GONNA TAKE MORE THAN ONE STITCH.

OOOWWWW,

-CHORUS-

"WHEN MY BABY TURNS OUT THE LIGHT" is a construction worker's fantasy, and just a really good song.

WHEN MY BABY TURNS OUT THE LIGHT (1986)

(R. Rivers)

WELL, I WORK HARD IN THE DAYTIME.

I COME HOME LATE AT NIGHT.

THAT'S WHEN I'M GONNA GET A GOOD LOVING,

'CUZ MY BABY LOVES TO TREAT ME RIGHT.

SHE LOVES TO TREAT ME RIGHT.

I WORK HARD FOR A LIVING,

A DROP OF SWEAT FOR EVERY NICKEL AND DIME,

BUT I KNOW I'M GONNA GET A GOOD LOVING,

WHEN MY BABY TURNS OUT THE LIGHT

WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,

SHE'S RIGHT THERE BY MY SIDE.

AND, WHEN I'M STANDING IN THE DOORWAY,

SHE GIVES ME A LITTLE KISS GOODBYE,

A LITTLE KISS GOODBYE.

WHEN I COME HOME IN THE EVENING,

I GOT A SMILE A MILE WIDE,

'CUZ I KNOW I'M GONNA GET A GOOD LOVING,

WHEN MY BABY TURNS OUT THE LIGHT.

-VERSE TWO-

"BIG BIG WOMAN" is about a guy who meets a skinny girl and wishes she were a big woman. Well, after they're married a while, his wish comes true! It sounds like Gene Simmons of Kiss on the chorus, but it's not. Really! Hilarious number!

BIG BIG WOMAN (R. Rivers) (1999)

I MET MY GIRL DOWNTOWN,

DANCING ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.

JUST A SKINNY LITTLE MISSY,

WEARING HER CLOTHES REAL TIGHT,

SHE LEANED OVER AND ASKED ME

WHAT KIND OF WOMAN I LIKED.

I SAID, "A BIG, BIG WOMAN.

A BIG, BIG WOMAN OF MIGHT.

I NEED A BIG, BIG WOMAN,

A BIG, BIG WOMAN TONIGHT, YEAH!"

WELL, IN A YEAR WE WERE MARRIED,

SPENT THE FIRST SIX MONTHS IN BED.

GOT TIRED OF LIVING ON LOVING,

AND STARTED EATING GOOD FOOD INSTEAD.

WELL, ONE MORNING I WOKE UP,

AND THERE LYING IN MY BED

WAS MY BIG, BIG WOMAN.

MY BIG, BIG WOMAN OF MIGHT.

BIG, BIG WOMAN

BIG, BIG WOMAN OF MIGHT

I LIKE MY BIG, BIG WOMAN

SHE'S ALRIGHT!

BIG, BIG WOMAN.......ETC.

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