ie by Alan Jenkins and The Creams

Robin : Will it be against them or in favour of them? [the phone rings]

Ariadne : Hang on a minute, that's the phone. [picks it up] Hello, Ariadne Metal-Cream Pie.

Blodwyn : I've got your mother. If you don't send half a million pounds I'm going to cut her in half and send her round in two big soggy parcels.

Ariadne : Who is this?

Blodwyn : I'm a completely unscrupulous and immoral kidnapper. That's all you need to know chick.

Ariadne : And you've got my mother?

Blodwyn : Oh yes.

Ariadne : I don't think so.

Blodwyn : is that a chance you can afford to take.

Ariadne : [pause] How is she?

Blodwyn : She's doing ok...so far.

Ariadne : Well this is good news, because last time I saw her she was dead.

Blodwyn : (silence)

Ariadne : Are you still there?

Blodwyn : Congratulations miss, you have passed our test. Allow me to introduce myself, I am detective inspector Blodwyn of your local police. We are carrying out a survey to find out how random members of the public would respond to a terrorist threat.

Ariadne : Good, now sod off.

Blodwyn : I'll be round right away with your award miss.

Ariadne : What?

Blodwyn : [click]

Ariadne : "Unusual Calls"

I've had some unusual telephone calls in my time but this was the strangest of all. My phone has a life of its own it attracts these deranged and peculiar telephone calls. Do detective inspectors drop by to deliver awards? Something makes me suspect someone I know is bored.

I remember the time when a call from a desperate pantomime horse got put through here from Rome. I awoke from a dream about practising songs to the sound of a bell and I answered the phone. He said "Oh, wrong number, sorry Ariadne" I said "yeah, wrong species too".

Ariadne : [reading] The leaf in the bus station is growing. Feeding upon the walls it derives smokey nourishment. The bus farts out poisonous gas and the leaf breathes. The tea lady, angry about Panorama, Punches the bus with her head until it won't go. Grabbing the leaf, now eighteen feet across, She cuts it up with big scissors and makes Tea for the drivers.

Ariadne : What's wrong with that?

Robin : Nothing it's very good. A ruthless and vindictive indictment of...

Ariadne sings : "The metaphor list song"

Some consumerist dreams in recession torn England, baby. Bourgeois hopes that are seen destroying a life on earth. But I don't know why Mr. Green took on so. (Perhaps he masturbates too much, and that is why he hates us). And I maintain that every line in my book sounds to me almost like poetry. (just as good as anything William Shakespeare wrote. Possibly)

My next poetry book will be stuffed full of metaphors So profound that it looks like a Greek philosophical work.

I'll draw some metaphors from plants and from trees. And then I...(L E T T U C E, find out what it means to me). Shall draw more metaphors from sand, sea and air, or almost anywhere. (more metaphors for her: Dinosaurs, desert shores, Santa Claus, doggy paws, Insect life, motorbikes, the miner's strike, birds. Testosterone, leading zone, ice cream cone, sarrusophone. Porcupines, give way signs, pantomimes, germs Nursery rhymes, Caradines, Sign of the times, Ernest Borgnine Moby Dick, Lorna Doone, Don Quixote, War and Peace Terminator, Home alone, Die hard 2, Total recall. I've got some money and a take-away curry and I'm going back to my wife).

Robin : All of which seems perfectly reasonable. Even dull in some cases.

Ariadne : Yes, so why does this guy Max Green hate it so much?...[reading] "In her new book of poems, entitled "Green Buses", Ariadne Metal-Cream Pie chews off so much more than she can bite. In particular there's a terrible poem about a leaf which fails in every respect except as an embarrassment to everybody involved; if she had any decency at all she would stop writing poems and get a job in Sainsbury's"

Robin : Perhaps he had an unpleasant experience involving leaves at an early age.

Ariadne : Well how did he get a job on the Times Literary Supplement then?

Robin : I think possibly corruption.

Ariadne : Lets hear that song again.

[some improvised music]

Robin : [enthusiastic] Yeah!

Blodwyn sings : "Investigating a crime"

Investigating a crime. Investigating a crime. Requires a devious line sometimes, to fool the criminal mind.

Driving around in my car. Driving around in my car. I shall soon find out where those murderers are.

And when I knock on their door. And when I knock on their door. They'll be kicking themselves for sure Forever breaking the law.

[Doorbell. Ariadne answers the door]

Ariadne : What do you want?

Blodwyn : Detective Sergeant Blodwyn miss, I spoke to you on the phone earlier.

Ariadne : This is an inopportune moment sergeant.

Blodwyn : I've brought round your good citizenry award miss, may I come in so that I can perform the award ceremony? Good evening sir.

Robin : Hello.

Ariadne : Make it quick. Is that the award in that bundle of newspaper?

Blodwyn : Oh, by the way miss, while I'm here I might as well ask you a couple of questions in connection with a suspicious death which I happen to be investigating.

Ariadne : What suspicious death?

Blodwyn : A research scientist has been killed not half a mile from here; his body was crushed by a great force. We had a terrible job peeling him off the pavement.

Ariadne : What does this have to do with me?

Blodwyn : You don't own a steam hammer or any other mechanical crushing equipment do you miss?

Ariadne : uh...

Blodwyn : What about you sir? Do you mind telling me your name by the way?

Robin : My name's Robin.

Blodwyn : Do you live here sir?

Robin : No, I'm a member of Ariadne's band.

Blodwyn : I see sir, and you're rehearsing now are you?

Robin & anyone else about : Yes.

Blodwyn : Oh yes, there are some other er...musicians over there in the corner too. What instrument do you play?

Robin : Guitar and vocals

Blodwyn : I see sir, and do you own a steam hammer or any mechanical crushing equipment?

Robin : Let me put it like this...

Robin sings : "No I don't own any mechanical crushing equipment"

I don't own anything like that I can assure you. What do I look like, a building site? You must be crazy. But you can look in all my pockets if you like. The most aggressive thing you'll find is a biro.

Blodwyn : And you don't either miss?

Ariadne : Uh huh [negatively]

Blodwyn : But you are a member of a subversive organisation called "girls against animal experiments". [pointedly] Aren't you?

Ariadne sings : "Me and the G.A.A.E"

There are men who wonder what will happen when electric wires are connected up to monkeys. its up to me and the GAAE to rescue monkeys from laboratories so we can set them free.

What a surprise Joseph Mengeler is still alive and working at the university, sewing up some kitten's eyes. its up to me and the GAAE to set the kittens free.

And those documents we stole from the laboratory would provide one of the themes for an operetta. because I was writing one of those at the time as a change from my poems, and so I decided to put it all in there.

Blodwyn : Exactly. Girls against animal experiments: an organisation which recently sent a threatening letter to a local research laboratory reading in part, and I quote: [unfolds paper] "all those who torture animals in the name of science will be crushed". May I draw your attention the the word "crush" in that sentence?

Ariadne : You can do what you like.

Blodwyn : Need I add that the researcher who was killed worked for the very same laboratory? In fact he was 'crushed' right outside it.

Robin : You can add what you like, copper.

Blodwyn : [suddenly lightening up] Isn't there a noise problem having pop group in a flat like this?

Robin : We use a drum machine instead of a real drum kit.

Blodwyn : So what?

Robin : It has a volume control on it. That means the rest of the band don't have to play so loud.

Blodwyn : But does it sound as good?

Robin : You can't tell them from the real thing these days. Listen to this snare drum sound. [snare drum sound].

Blodwyn : That sounds revolting. And what about the overall effect anyway, doesn't it always sound like a machine?

Robin : No you can get them to sound really convincing. You just press this button and... [some drumming] See.

Blodwyn : That doesn't sound anything like real drumming.

Robin sings : "If drum machines were fish"

If drum machines were fish this tune would be a pond. My ideal sound is this: an aquarium in this song.

If drum machines were birds this song would be their cry.

Each cymbal crash you heard would be sparrows and starlings fluttering by into the living room, and into the world. Give me the moonlight, give me the drum machine and give me the bird.

If sequencers were pigs this band would be a farm. If microphones were snakes we'd have to call for an ambulance in case they were poisonous. To mike up guitars could damage their ears.

How I love my Roland TR626, I want to go to bed with it. Then we will get married and have little drum machine chicks and then we will buy a house and live in it.

Max Green sings : "Poems that are disappearing"

From the cut of his cloak and a puff of pink smoke, I knew that the bloke in red with the beard and the horns on his head wasn't making a joke when he said:

The world is full of awful literature, and I want you to help remove some. I think the Times may have a job for you. In fact you can start on monday.

So what could I do? I wrote a review. With a sentence or two I had wrecked a career. A quip and a sneer made a play disappear, and I tell you, this "Green Buses" book will disappear too.

[bring bring]

Ariadne : Ariadne Metal-Cream Pie.

Max Green : Hello, this is Max Green, have you read my review of your poems in the Times Literary Supplement?

Ariadne : Yes.

Max Green : I just want you to know that I was toning down my criticism for the purposes of that review because if I wrote what I really thought they wouldn't have printed it.

Ariadne : Oh.

Max Green : Yes, all your poems are completely terrible and appalling and I think you should be shot like a mad dog for writing them. Never never write any more. I hope I've made myself clear.

Ariadne : Just a minute...May I point out that I am not remotely interested in anything you have to say?

Max Green : Eurgh. [angrily][click]

Ariadne : I think I'll just put the answering machine on.

The answering machine sings : "The answering machine song"

All I know about her I have heard from her lips and her fingertips. I hear her conversations too; its my job to. If someone rings and I'm alone, I say "sorry, she's not at home, but you can leave a message for her after the tone".

Hello Ariadne, where the hell are you? I've been trying to get you on the phone for days. I've got that sarcophagus you left round at my place, I'm giving it to oxfam if you don't ring me back.

Hello Ariadne, this is your mother, your father wants to know what you've done with his car.

Hello Miss Pie, this is Acme Double Glazing, we've got a demonstration in your area today.

Hello Ariadne, this is Roger speaking, its all off between us you incorrigible slag.

Ariadne : If there are no more unwelcome interruptions perhaps we could get on with playing some music.

Robin : This concept album about vivisection we're supposed to be recording?

Ariadne : What about it?

Robin : There wouldn't happen to be any connection between this and the research lab were that bloke was murdered?

Ariadne : Only indirectly.

Robin : How indirectly?

Ariadne : Well, most of the songs are based on documents which Girls Against Animal Experiments stole from the lab. Look I've got this big filing cabinet full of documents which detail their bizarre experiments...

Robin : [reading] ..."experiment to find out what happens when you nail a moose to a wardrobe"...

Ariadne : Here's one about an experiment to make mammals invisible. What a bunch of freaks.

Robin : [reading] ..."experiment to find out what happens if you try to ferment a pig"..."experiment to find out what happens when you drop a Fiat Uno on a cat". Sick.

Ariadne : Anyway, the songs are based on documents stolen from the laboratory, but we didn't kill the scientist. Honest.

Robin : At least this means they're not based on your poetry.

Ariadne : lets play a song shall we?

Robin : this one is based on a letter you found in the lab isn't it?

Ariadne : "Hell with no sun cream."

Dear Doctor Obscene and the boys in the team, just a note to wish you were dead; I hope this finds you in hell with no sun cream.

The weather is fine, we are having a wonderful time. You know life isn't bad now we've escaped from your lab. Love from Binkie, Towser, Ben and Pip.

[Robin answers the door]

Robin : Hello, who are you?

Max Green : Are you Ariadne Metal-Cream Pie?

Robin : No she's over there.

Ariadne : You're Max green aren't you?

Max Green : Yes, and I've come to burn the original copies of your poems. Where are they?

Ariadne : Will you go away?

Max Green : No. not until I've burnt all your poems and you've signed this legally binding document in front of a witness. [Gives her a bit of paper] . You'll do.

Robin : Ok.

Ariadne : No he won't, I'm not signing anything. [Reads] "I, Ariadne Metal-Cream Pie agree never to write any more poems ever as long as I live or Max Green has permission to tear my stomach out and eat it". What?!?

Max Green : yes, you must sign it.

Ariadne : Look will you just fuck off? What does it matter to you whether I write any more poems or not anyway? You don't have to read them.

Max Green : I must protect others. No living person should have to go through such an experience.

Ariadne : But they're not that bad.

Max Green sings : "The eagle hates your poetry".

Your poetry is fine, if a sack full of nuclear waste is Baron Philippe '59. I can't describe the way my hatred's growing for it.

A giant bird's hatching inside of me, and all I know is that the eagle hates your poetry.

At half past five this morning I woke up screaming "no". If this book was ever read by normal decent people human evolution would slip back to when the earth was cooling down and God had just created all the adjectives and dinosaurs read comics up their trees.

It is not my concern, but your book needs a radical overhaul to make it fit to burn. I'd like to overhaul it with a document shredder.

A giant bird's hatching inside of me, and all I know is that the eagles hates your poetry.

Ariadne : Look. GO AWAY or I shall fetch the police.

Max Green : I'm warning you, there will be unpleasant consequences if you don't sign. I am prepared to take cunning and devious steps to have you stopped.

Ariadne : [opens the door] Out, now.

Max Green : You haven't heard the last of this. [exit]

Ariadne : You don't think this Max Green person is going to do anything unpleasant do you?

Robin : Does he know anything about Girls against animal experiments and your rock opera?

Ariadne : Only what it says on the fly leaf of my poetry book..."Miss Pie is a member of Girls Against Animal Experiments and is currently working on a new rock opera about vivisection"...

Robin : Ah, well what if he murdered the scientist bloke and is trying to frame you for it? He does appear to be raving mad after all.

Ariadne : Oh no. He's probably out there planting my personal belongings at the scene of the crime even as we speak.

Ariadne sings : "The planted monogrammed handkerchief"

Blodwyn is drawing a chalk mark around a man in a lab coat sprawled on the ground. Clutched in his fingers her sergeant has found a monogrammed handkerchief that says "AMCP" It will lead her to me.

I could overreact and probably am, but I would say Max is a dangerous man. I may have to leave here and live in Japan.

For I might get arrested anytime now and thrown in a cell.

Isn't life hell?

[doorbell]

Ariadne : Now what? [opens door] Oh. Hello inspector.

Blodwyn : Sorry to disturb you again Miss. Do you know a man called Max Green?

Ariadne : Yes, and I would strongly urge you not to believe a single thing he says. In my opinion he is very dangerous and should be beaten to death with a golf club.

Blodwyn : That's very interesting Miss.

Ariadne : [pause] ...Why?

Blodwyn : Because...

Blodwyn sings : "Mr. Green was found outside your house"

Mr. Green was found outside your house, dead, this morning. We're pretty sure he didn't die of flu. So can you shed some light on how he came to be there? Came to be there?

Whoever did the murder at the lab did this one too; and if you want to now how we arrived at this conclusion, then I'll give you all the details All the details.

His head was fractured by a blow that went from just below the nose, across the skull, to halfway down his spine. His upper torso was a sticky mess of pink and purple things and bits of bone; mostly in splinters.

We used a garden fork to peel him up off the ground And put him in a plastic bag.

Where were you at ten fifteen today? I'd like to know. I may have further questions, please don't leave town. You must admit you have the motive. have the motive. Have the motive.

[Ariadne is woken up in the middle of the night by some noises]

Ariadne : [waking up] What's that?...Ok, the games up, I happen to be armed with a 44 centimetre magnum so you might as well come out from wherever you're hiding.

E : I'm not hiding.

Ariadne : Who said that? Where are you?

E : I'm standing in the middle of the room.

Ariadne : Where?

E : Sorry about getting you in trouble with the Detective Sergeant Blodwyn. its all right though, there isn't enough evidence to arrest you.

Ariadne : So, you killed that scientist did you?

E : Yes, and Max Green.

Ariadne : How did you do it?

E : I trod on them. er... I'm an elephant. It was an accident in the case of Max Green, but the scientist had it coming to him. It was his idea to do the experiment about what happens when you drop a Fiat Uno on a cat, and he used to make completely pointless holes in rabbits in his spare time.

Ariadne : Where are you? I think I'd notice if there was an elephant in my living room.

E : No, I'm invisible. Its an experiment they were working on in the lab.

Ariadne : Oh yes, I remember stealing the documents.

E : There's no need to be alarmed. I only trod on Max Green because I didn't see him when he stood behind me. He was hanging around outside and I just happened to take a step backwards. Its the research lab's fault for making me invisible.

E sings : "IE"

Now you see me now you don't. You think I'm there to keep you entertained. Well I won't do the circus tricks you think I'm here to do. My brain's bigger than your brain.

You don't care what you do, with all your weak excuses. You should be nicer to the creatures you run into on the way up the ladder of evolution. In time, you'll need us on your way back down.

This crowd of mischief-making chimps who had to take the world to bits to look inside, but then you couldn't put it back; they tried their cleverest vanishing tricks on me.

But I don't blame you for the way that I've been treated. You people are the most unscrupulous of creatures, but I got through. I haven't evaporated. I'm here, though I may be hard to see.

Now you see me now you don't...

Ariadne : So what are you going to do now?

E : I thought I'd go and live in Africa.

Ariadne : Good plan.

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